Is This All The Truth?

I am sitting here in my apartment again and it is 11:00p.m. I am tired but not ready to go to bed. What a fuckin week. Very, very busy. I am very excited cause my girlfriend comes back home tomorrow and I will get to see her and have lots of sex. I have been thinking about moving again, I want to move because I really don’t think I fit in here.I used to live in laurel and I liked it and I wonder why I moved. I think about it to this day, but I made a decision and now I live closer to D.C and I can’t complain because it is closer to work and the neighborhood isn’t bad at all. But I don’t know. I want to move but then I don’t. I will think about it for the next two weeks and then I will make a decision. Anyway, back to my girlfriend. She is an incredible woman. I am talking to her right now and I am glad to hear her voice. I honestly at this point in my life if I did not have her I would know what to do. She is my light that has guided me through gauntlet of death. I just hope that she knows that I love her more then anything in the world, and I hope she feels the same way. I honestly thought that after the fuckin cunt lips, that I would never love again, and I said that in my previous blogs, but this one, I don’t k now. At first I wasn’t sure, like I wasn’t sure whether I truly loved her, I said it a bunch when we first met, and that is me, I fall very quickly for someone, and a lot of the times I have to stop myself and actually think about what I am doing and saying and think about the situation. But I knew and know, from the first time we hung out till the present and also the future, that I love her. But I do promise this one little detail that I refuse to leave out, after this one, if I and she do not work out, I am done, over, and gone. Before the sun rises for the next day. I mean there are many things to say about her, but I don’t want to revel too much information so that certain people that read this blog will know who she is. But I honestly can say that she puts into this relationship just as much as me, which makes me happy, and we don’t really fight, we talk about shit like human beings, and oh yeah she has OCD like me!!!!!!!!! But it has started out fast and my only fear is that it will end quickly. And that is for her to decide, I do want to go slow and progress over the months, but I haven’t yet reveled some of my faults, like one fault I have is that if I do not impress her everyday or if I don’t buy her something or do something special everyday that I will lose her love. I know that I don’t need to do all of that to keep her, but it is always in the back of my head. And I am not going to lie I am scared about some of the future. I don’t know what is going to happen but I am with my attitude of fuck it and I will deal with whatever comes. Well I think that is enough for tonight. Peace motherfuckers!!!

Yet Another Fun Weekend

Well where to start for this weekend. Me and Randy had yet another fun weekend. Well it started off on Friday where all we did was hang out and went to see 40 year old virgin which was a good movie. I thought it was funny. Then we came back home, we had to get up early on Saturday and Randy went to bed. I stayed up all night playing halo 2. And this is an open challenge to any halo 2 players (actually want abes), if you think you are good I challenge you to a game of one on one. Just leave me a message on feedback and start to practice, because you are going to get your ass whipped. Anyway, so me and Randy left md around 5am. I had to go see a graduation and then from there we left for WV. We got to Huntington WV around 3pm and we had to kill some time so we had some drinks and then headed back to this warehouse that was hyamp.orgs place. Me and randy sat outside, made fun of people and then got in line. When we were in line we talked to some chicks that told us that a lot of good bands play there all the time. That is cool as shit cause we got really close to the bands, and you can’t do that anywhere else. So I will keep my eyes on the website for any other bands. Ok so, me and Randy got in and we pretty much hung out until silverstein, and Underoath. I found out that Underoath was headlining which I thought was cool but when we heard both bands, I thought Silverstien should have headlined. They fuckin rocked the house, except for all the fuckin Jesus lovers were waiting for Underoath and that no one really knew Silverstein's new songs except for about ten or fifteen people in the crowd. Me and Randy kept yelling between songs for Silverstein to play Already Dead. A good fuckin song. I know my boy Mike liked the song so I wanted them to play it in memory of my boy. They didn’t though and I was getting pissed as shit when Silverstein was up on stage because all the fuckin teeny boppers were in the way and when me and randy were moshing or trying to start a pit they were all scared, I fuckin wanted to gut half of them and I yelled at the faggot fuck in front of me, telling him to get the fuck out of the way because I push his shit in, he looked at me with his fuckin inbred eyes and I was like ohhh, sooo scary!!!! Anyways after Silverstein and Randy getting punched in the eye, and he wanted to kick the shit out of someone or something, we waited around for Underoath and when Underoath came open everyone was sooo fuckin happy for these guys. I didn’t think their set was as good as Silverstein. Don’t get me wrong I like Underoath a lot I just wasn’t too impressed with the faggot shit about god and all the fuckin faggots screaming like 98 degrees were on stage. So anyways, Underoath finished their set and all the inbreds wanted another song so Underoath gave it to them. While Underoath was playing some guy came up to me and said hey I am glad you are on my team and I was like huh, and then he showed me his Nazi swastikas and pentagrams and I was, uh no I am a skinhead but I am with you man, cause he was a big dude so if I need ed him for fighting, I could say some racist shit, like nigger and Jew and he would be like I Yeah!!! Anyways, after the concert me and Randy left for his parents house and stayed there Sunday, we were going to come back Sunday night but we got a flat tire. The fuckin tire was driven down to the inner linings in the tire. I think dumbfuck Randy needs to pay attention to his vehicle more closely. But it is a good thing that we didn’t drive back because if we did we would have died. But we stayed the night at his parents place and then woke up on Monday, got a new tire and drove back. Now we are back in MD safe, and we fuckin were being stupid the whole fuckin way. So too fuckin bad he left his camera at home or would have had some great picks. Fuckin dumbass Randy, fucking up the situation again. Anyway I will blog more later. Peace Niggas!!

What Do You Think?

Well, well, well. It is 11:00p.m and I am sitting in my apartment chilling out, watching TV. I have said goodbye to another brother of mine Mike Kelley. I am kind of angry because I lost two really close friends in the past month, Mike Kelley and Chad Goff. But I know we all have to grow up and be someone and move on with our lives. Us three have been through a lot of shit together and I will truly miss them. I am definitely going to see Chad hopefully this winter and I will see mike next summer if not sooner. And I will not leave out Randy, my boy, my friend, my brother. It is going to be kind of tuff for a while cause those were the people I partied with and that I talked to and shard my most inner thoughts and feelings with. And Randy don’t feel bad you aren’t taking anyone’s space or filling a void, when we went out to Vegas I thought I was going to get annoyed of you quick, and I thought I was going to hate you cause we would be hanging out 24/7 together but it turned out awesome and we bonded a fuckin lot. And Randy you are like my brother and I trust you like my brother. I am also sitting here missing my girlfriend, who is working on many things right now. She has a lot going on in her life and I know she needs her space and I know she needs help it is just I hope to be able to do both and take are of numero uno, Me. I have lost track of myself this past week just helping her and giving her one hundred percent, but I have regained concentration and learned what I really want and need. So I have started to apply for courses for this semester, and come to find out that supposedly that I did not take a final for history 101 back in 2001. Kind of crazy but I remember writing a term paper for that and I remember getting my grade via email from my teacher and it was an A. But we will see I have a final to take tomorrow that I stuidied for two hours today because it will be fine, but we will see. I have been on soco 100 proof for about 3 hours now and we will se what happens. No one to really go and party with no one to hag with but myself, and yes I can pretty destructive on my self when I am a lone drinking. But I have come to a turning point in my life and it goes like this, Whatever. I care about the people around me and myself, but whatever happens, happens. I found out also yesterday that someone, a terrorist has been using my credit card to fly across the world on my expense, and he leaves on 27 December 2005 from Dulles airport in Washington D.C, on either flight 8331, or 8631. His ticket number is: 00621633685050. Oh and his name is Mohamed Sacko. Fuckin sandnigger. I hope the Gov’t sees this and maybe opens their fuckin eye to this bullshit, and stop and think after they are done filling their pockets with the money from the poor so they can add an extension onto their house by the Potomac river and say hey I need to actually work and stop this fuckin poison from infecting America. But I know will happen and you ready for the answer… NOTHING. Fuckin nothing like always, cause the Bushes and Bin Ladens are getting rich off of the oil, and gas prices so who cares. For life!! Anyways that is about it for now, I need to go to the airport on the 27th of December and wait for this fuck to get near the plane and behead him right in front of everyone and watch is black sandnigger oil blood bleed on the carpet. Oh by the way we are all racially profiled everyday and America has started a war that will never end until one race is wiped from the earth. BYE EVERYONE!!!!!

What a Night

After last night and after all my fans, (the two that I have) kept asking me to blog again, and to all the people that told me to stop blogging, IIII AMMM BBAACCCKKK!!!!!! Ok so, myself, Randy, and my friends, Mr. M and Mr. N went out last night. It is coming close to the time that Mr. M is leaving here and going over to Fort Lewis/ Kuwait. And by the way, I now have a girlfriend, Thank you very much. She is a wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, and caring woman. I couldn’t ask for anyone else. She was done all the stupid bullshity relationships and she knows what she wants. But anyways, so we all go out last night to bennigans and we start to drink there. Mr. M had 3 doubles, Mr. N had 2 long island ice teas and a shot of Yeager, and a guinness. I had two double captain and cokes, and my girl had one beer and water. So we sat around and eat and told stories and then we decided to go to the green turtle. When we arrived the placed was pretty packed but we were able to get a table and continue drinking. Around ten I had to step out for a few, and I came back an hour later, and all the guys were yelling at me for taking so long. All I have to say to that is I am gentleman and I was saying goodnight to my girlfriend. So I came back to the bar and we kept drinking Yeager bombs and shots of soco. Mike was bet fifty dollars to go kiss a girl on the cheek and he was successful and she said that she was happy to do it because it was her "patriotic duty". So he hung out at the bar until closing and by that times, Randy was close to piss drunk, Mr. M was drunk, and Mr. N was pretty drunk. I was kind of drunk but I started to pound water for the last hour to make sure I was good to drive. Well I decided I wanted to go eat so I could feel better because I was hungry, so we drove to IHOP and on the way there Randy vomited down the side of my car, which the vomit is still there to this very minute. I need to wash it off. And while he was throwing up a cop pulled up behind us and turned on his patrol light and flashed it on Randy. I was like here we go we are getting pulled over because of him. But luckily the cop then drove past asked if he was alright I said yes and he said take care of him and drove off. Then we finally made it to IHOP where we all started to get into a yelling match about something that I really don’t remember. Well it was about me, and my demons getting a hold of me yet again and I said I didn’t care about anyone and that, why am I here and that pissed everyone off. The angry/depressed drunk was....me. So a couple of things were discussed that I will not share for the reason that my friends tell me things that I keep secret. I hate when other fuckers get into someone else’s personal shit because they have nothing better to do and they can’t keep their mouths shut. But then me and Mr. M went inside and ordered food, and I asked where Randy was and they said outside. I went outside to my car and Randy wasn’t in there, and there was another silver car parked in the parking lot and I went over to the car and Randy was passed out in the back of someone else’s car. I opened the door and told him to get out of it because that wasn’t my car. Well the whole time an undercover cop is sitting there watching me and I am like great here we go again, I am going to jail tonight, and I cant wait. So I got Randy out of the wrong car and into the right car where he puked yet again and I got him water. I then went inside and ate and fought some more with my good friend MR.N and I am hoping me and him are still cool, cause we bitched about a bunch of stupid shit. And well by then it was 3:30 am and I took Mr. M and Randy home and tucked Randy into my couch and set an alarm for him. I then took Mr. N home and on the way, yes you guessed right another cop pulled me over. This time he said I had a tail light out. SO finally I got Mr. N home and went back to my girlfriends house and it was 4:30a.m and I went to bed. I missed my girlfriend, and I hope she isn’t mad. She probably isn’t but I wanted to kiss her before she went to work. Well this is the start, and there is more to come. The weekend is here.

My Sanity Is Slowly Slipping Away

To respond to my friends message. I understand that I have friends and family, and I love them very much. But I just want this pain and anger to go away. I have been trying to let things go and to move on but I seem to somehow one day get back to square one. And this love and emptiness is different that really I don’t think ANYONE can fill. Honestly, I wish no one knew who I was, that no one cared about me, just because I don’t like placing burden upon other people shoulders. And I am thankful, I truly am that such people care about me, because if I didn’t have such friends and family to support me and for me to support them, I wouldn’t have made it through all of this. I just wish there was someone to understand this pain that I have, I mean I know now it sounds all pitiful, and that is not the message I am trying to get across. I mean honestly, I come home and or sit out and interact in the world and want to break down in tears, wanted that someone to help me, and I know, friends and family is all I need but I do need a companion, and yes get out there and look and that isn’t the problem, it is filling the empty space for one night can not fix it. I think I really need to take a time out in life and somehow figure out who I am. I feel that I have lost the real me through all of this turmoil and all the psychological games that we have played and knowing that, I let it all consume me. I guess maybe that this is my turn around for the good, and I know that girl has been wanted to see a good entry, and peaceful and normal entry for me and I hope that I can do that before I self destruct, I have been lying to myself and I have living in lies for the past six months, telling myself that I will just stuff it down suck it up and move one, which I need to do, but I need to dispose of all of this once and for all and stop whining about it, knowing the more I think and dwell on it, I make it worse and nothing gets resolved. I must stop living this lie I call life. And I wanted to just fuck my ex and while she is reaching her climax I plunge a knife into her abdomin, laugh and walk away. And I leave you with this quote from Underoath:

“ My knuckles have turned to white, There's no turning back tonight, So kiss me one last time.”- Underoath

What If?

There is something I realized tonight. That I am defiantly destined to be alone. I was moving apartments that is why is has been so long since my last entry. Realized that there is nothing out there for me. I keep trying to be happy, and enjoy the ay and enjoy life, but it just seems that it makes me even madder because I know I am lying to myself. It hurts me to see myself like this. It hurts badly, and I ask myself how did I get like this? But I figure it had all started about three years ago and it has been a slow but steady decline. My boy RC666 is in the field and I will see him Saturday, had to give a shout out to him. I have been having bad thoughts about certain individuals, I shall not reveal their names but they know who they are. What if…? No one can answer, no one can pull me out of this rut but me and I have tried and I will keep trying but I don’t think I will make it out. I keep saying to myself that there is so much more out there, and that I have a chance at this life, but everyday I wake up and what I see it is proving that I am almost a lost cause and I might as well end it now before I get worse. As much as I want to type good things and write about how happy I am it is like comparing apples to oranges. So far the bad times keep out weighing the bad times. I don’t know why, when the good times come it is monumental to me, but I know somewhere inside it is going to go back to the same thing again, the pain and hurt over what? I don’t know. I am trying to figure that one out, which I haven’t pin pointed it yet. I want to be normal, I want to be loved, I wanted to be respected; I want to be wanted by that someone, or by someone, but yet, nothing. Just pushing away and using me for my flaws such as a big heart, and kind manners. Yes I do have these attributes even though it doesn’t seems like it, I do. There will be a couple more entries before I go out to the field. I just been having many dreams lately over me dying and no one there to stop me or caring about me. No one who cares enough to stop me. And I know that women pick up on this bad vibe and don’t want to be around these certain kind of people. I just don’t how to stop it, and I leave you with a quote from Senses Fail:

“Please do this now I beg, Duct tape my arms and legs, Throw me into the sea, Please save me, please save me… Now watch the waves eat me, setting my cold heart free, I'll wash ashore in weeks, you can't save me, can't save me.”- Senses Fail

One Day Closer to Death

I’m baaaaaaaaaaaaaack. I have just got back from hiking in the shenandoah valley. What a trip. I would definitely give up everything to do that for the rest of my life. I have A LOT of time to think about the peon of life that I live. I am glad I went; I got away from all this shit of society. It is a place to relax and become one wit the earth again. It rained everyday I was there, but that is ok, I made it through. I finally got a fresh breath of air, of life, before I go away for July. I am slowly making progress over this break up, it starting to become a distant memory, and I am slowly regaining grips with reality, and my pity of a life. I am happy. The hate is still there, but I am learning to channel it into other places. When I was out last Saturday with my friends I heard another good band. They are going to be at warped tour but not going to be on tour when they come to DC. Underoath is the band; you should go and check them out. Yes, Yes, Yes screamo, my favorite. I am listening to other bands, like poison the well, but I seem to be into these guys right now. Well Tuesday night my bro, my two dogs and I drove to Compton gap and we camped out that night and had a taste of some good herbage. He and I talked for a while and I am glad he came the first night, just someone to chill with and shot the shit. Lets see, some of you had comments about my last entry, I thought it was pretty fuckin funny. My response is, it is all truth and how I feel at this moment in my life. If it offends, or hurts your feelings, fuck off, I don’t give a fuck, that is a thimble head of the pain I feel everyday I wake up. I do look into the mirror each day and ask myself, what is going to keep me alive today, why not take my life so easily and no one will know? But while I was hiking I am the only one to keep me alive. I am going to do what the fuck I want. Fuck everyone who doesn’t want to go a long for the ride. I am have pretty much developed a fuck uped point of view, but I feel happy. And I did realize that there will no one else who will have my heart, ever, ever again. I have made that decision, for everyone in this fucked up and so called society wears masks to hide how they feels about everyone and everything, I have chosen to expose myself true self to everyone, a hateful, dark, suicidal fucked up person. And whatever comes from it comes form it. No one wants such a person. God it feels good to be alive with this hate, and anger, knowing, it is all for a good reason that I will, and mark my words I will pay society back is some way or another. Wow I had three beers and I am tipsy, awesome, I thought I would be angry, just like every other time I have been drunk, I was angry and pissed off about it all, and I would quickly be depressed again, wanting to walk off of a bridge hoping my body would hit some jagged rocks, and I lay there suffer with multiple injuries, as my black blood drains from my body. Lol how sweet, it should be a Valentines Day cards. You make so soo fuckin sick, you stupid fuckin cunt, I want to cut you to pieces and eat your flesh for dinner and fuck you dead body. Beautiful words. LOL. God I love my mind so perfect for only one person, me. I wrote this one thing a while ago, I think this started the madness, but I thought I should share this shit I wrote about three years ago.

Walking down a dark path and getting attacked. The attacker had a knife and plunges the cold steel into your abdomen. You shake at first seeing everything in life pass before your eyes, but then you start to fill with anger and rage and hit him. He falls to the ground and you rip the knife from your bloody stomach. Your veins fill with adrenaline, and you stare at him, thinking about torture. Your start cut each one of his fingers off. As he screams in pain you laugh, enraging you more. After you are done cutting his fingers off, he starts to go into shock, oh the pleasure you get from this. You say to yourself, maybe he needs a little surgery. You cut open abdominal cavity and slice through his diaphragm like a hot knife through butter. You find his heart and rip it closely out of his chest. As it stills beats in your hands you take a bite out of it. It tastes so good and so you eat the rest of it. And when you go to take his liver out, you wake up, turn on the light, run to the mirror and see that there is blood all around your mouth and on your hands. Was it all a dream or are you insane?

Ahh what an entry huh? Well I think I will leave this entry with a quote from on of my favorite bands:

I'll attack someone with a switchblade knife, So that I can see their painI choose to be a serial killer, 'Cause the victims don't get any fame. – Senses Fail

An Outline of a Suicide Note

I write this now, so that when my cold, withered, lifeless body, is laid to rest, this will be read so that ones that know and care can hear my last thoughts. I sit here wondering what life will bring, and so far it has brought nothing but pain. I have been easily mistaken for a while now that there is a purpose for me. I have been lied to by the people that I care about the most. I understood and accepted all of this some time ago. When I was rejected by all of my peers and pushed to the outside of the group some years ago, I tried to make excuses for why it was happening, that I was someone different, that I was someone better, but all this time I have been feeding myself lies. Lies and empty nourishment so that I might have a reason to live on. And now I understand my purpose. To my parents, I am sorry I disappointed you and have become your biggest failure as a son. I tired my hardest, but I just could find what I needed to make it. You mean soo much to me, but I just couldn’t live on know the pain and disappointment I put you through. To my friends, it has been an honor to know you and understand the meaning of life. I hope that in some odd way I might have helped you understand you purpose in life. To the other people that I have met on the way, I am sorry for you to have met me, and I am sorry that I have wasted a precious moment in your life that you could have used better. And to the women that I have loved and that have chosen to hurt me. I thank you for your pity that you felt for me and the time that you gave to me to try to make me “feel” better. But I grant you this one wish, may my unrestless evil soul haunt you for the rest of your lives, and you all die old and worthless widows, knowing that you made a mistake for ever loving me. And when your time is near, you and your families will endure monumental anguish that you have caused me, turning me into a black hearted murderer that I am. And that I leave you now in peace; remember one thing, that we all die alone. And there is nothing in this world that will take away that fear.

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As the longest sleep approaches

It is nice to see I have a couple of fans out there. As I was driving home tonight from my friends house, sucking on a cancer stick and realizing all the fuck ups in my life. Just think back a couple of years, where I was and what I was doing and how I felt was totally different. I never thought I could have such anger an hate towards someone, towards anyone, but I guess it is part of the process, it has been two months since we broke up and some days I am doing great and I am on top on the world, but more and more lately, I have been sick to my stomach, and I have been pissed off. I mean really I would love to hear her scream as I am ripping the flesh from her bones, but, I will save that for another day. But I did realize many things tonight as a took in the warm humid summer air into my lungs, that I have been beating the shit out of myself for about two months, I have drank myself close to death about three times now, I have started to smoke and have been heavily smoking, I have thought of all the bad things that I could do to her, and myself. But hopefully, I do not act on my thoughts of suicide. I have gone over every fuckin little detail to try to find an answer, to try to find a way to fix it, to try to find the things that I did wrong. But I realize that they will never be answered. And knowing that I didn't fuck this up she did. She had something great "me" and she threw it away. They can be answered, by her, but she chooses to run away from reality and accept the truths and lies that she has made. I want to talk about certain things very briefly. Ever since I was caught under the spell of this whore about, about a year ago, she has never told the exact truth. I was warned by my friends and family that something was fishy, but, and I admit at times I was pussy whipped and didn’t want to believe it, because what I had at the time was soo real to me, and something I had yearned for, for a long time, I wanted it to last. So after we got back together this second time, I was a tiny bit smarter, well I wasn’t smart at all for getting back with her a second time, first time wrong, she is the fool, second time wrong, fool is me. Well I started to dig when I got Back with her the second time. I wanted to know about the past, just so in my head it was closed out, because I was getting three truths, one from her, one from her family, and one from her friends, and none of the stories matched up so I didn’t know what to fuckin do. So I dug for answers and I did some investigative work, which to this day was very helpful, but see even then when I saw and heard all of this stuff, I still didn’t except it caused I thought she was “changed” but the things I saw were fuckin ridiculous. God now that I write this entry and I look back on it all, it was a learning experience, and I learned many things from all of this. But just every time I see her, I want her, I want her to feel my pain, all the fuckin pain and agony she has put me through, but I am trying to be the bigger person about it. But I leave you all with this one quote from a senses fail song. It just fits my mode for tonight. And when you read this, scream it at the top of your lungs, you might feel better:

“Can you grant me one last wish, Play russian roulette as we kiss, I'll be your cheap novelty, Blow your brains out on me.” – Senses Fail

Well, Well, well, where should I start? I am everyone would like to know a little about me. Well I am in the military, U.S Army ($150) and I give a shout out to RC666 for starting up my blogging. Lets see I think the anger started way back in the year 2003. I met a woman, who was beautiful and smart and funny, and that had a great personality or so I thought. We dated for about four months, mind you she was in past relationship that was fucked up. So I knew going into this that it could be a little rough but I felt like I could help her, because I have a big hear and after meeting her, I thought that this was something I was meant to do. So after the four moths of bliss she came to e one day and said that it had to end and her hubby, yes she was married at one time, but divorced. She said it was over between me and her and she was going back to him. LOL, I the murderous thoughts going through my head, anyways, the way that it first ended between them was he hit her. So after all that she wanted to go back to him, and that hurt me because I figured someone who can give you the world, and threat you like a queen, is getting left for a wife beater? Ok, so a week later she came back to me crying saying she was sorry for hurting me and she was going to leave him, well she said she had left him but she was back with him, it was an off and on thing for her. So I beat the shit out of myself for 9 months wondering what the fuck did I do wrong and how I fucked something great up. And one day I get a phone call. It is her and she said in the hospital and she said her piece of shit for a man hit her. So with my big heart that I have after all the pain and agony I went through for 9 months, I should had told her to fuck off, but I didnt, I let back in and I ran to her. After that night, everything that I sweated for 9 months seemed to have disappeared, it seemed like it was all going to work out. Or so I thought. Again everything went well for the first couple of months, we say each other everyday, we talked about the future, we even were planning on moving in by the summer of early fall. But hen the shit hit the fan, we were soo happy together one week, and the next she was acting like a bitch, she would go into other rooms and talk on the phone for a hour or two, she would go out at night and not come home until four a.m without a any phone calls to let me know she was ok. And while all this shit was going on I knew it was all fuckin over, when in a week, one week, everything broke down and she said she couldn't be with me anymore. We were going good for four months, and then with in a week it was all over. Knowing what I put into that relationship, knowing the sacrifices I made for her, it fuckin kills me. And the pain, which will last a life time, but I thought I could never hate her, but the hate has come and wont go away. The suicidal thoughts that have ran through my head, Ha, Ha I laugh, I guess I haven’t brought myself to that bridge yet, but I am working on it. And people say don’t get worked up over nothing she was a bitch and a tramp and I know this, I know she is the filthiest cunt in the world, but I don’t know how to make the pain stop. So this is the start of my blog, I will have good things to say, there are sooo many more feelings that consume my head, but they are all hard to get out on paper.

today

I want to die.