My Sanity Is Slowly Slipping Away

To respond to my friends message. I understand that I have friends and family, and I love them very much. But I just want this pain and anger to go away. I have been trying to let things go and to move on but I seem to somehow one day get back to square one. And this love and emptiness is different that really I don’t think ANYONE can fill. Honestly, I wish no one knew who I was, that no one cared about me, just because I don’t like placing burden upon other people shoulders. And I am thankful, I truly am that such people care about me, because if I didn’t have such friends and family to support me and for me to support them, I wouldn’t have made it through all of this. I just wish there was someone to understand this pain that I have, I mean I know now it sounds all pitiful, and that is not the message I am trying to get across. I mean honestly, I come home and or sit out and interact in the world and want to break down in tears, wanted that someone to help me, and I know, friends and family is all I need but I do need a companion, and yes get out there and look and that isn’t the problem, it is filling the empty space for one night can not fix it. I think I really need to take a time out in life and somehow figure out who I am. I feel that I have lost the real me through all of this turmoil and all the psychological games that we have played and knowing that, I let it all consume me. I guess maybe that this is my turn around for the good, and I know that girl has been wanted to see a good entry, and peaceful and normal entry for me and I hope that I can do that before I self destruct, I have been lying to myself and I have living in lies for the past six months, telling myself that I will just stuff it down suck it up and move one, which I need to do, but I need to dispose of all of this once and for all and stop whining about it, knowing the more I think and dwell on it, I make it worse and nothing gets resolved. I must stop living this lie I call life. And I wanted to just fuck my ex and while she is reaching her climax I plunge a knife into her abdomin, laugh and walk away. And I leave you with this quote from Underoath:

“ My knuckles have turned to white, There's no turning back tonight, So kiss me one last time.”- Underoath