As the longest sleep approaches

It is nice to see I have a couple of fans out there. As I was driving home tonight from my friends house, sucking on a cancer stick and realizing all the fuck ups in my life. Just think back a couple of years, where I was and what I was doing and how I felt was totally different. I never thought I could have such anger an hate towards someone, towards anyone, but I guess it is part of the process, it has been two months since we broke up and some days I am doing great and I am on top on the world, but more and more lately, I have been sick to my stomach, and I have been pissed off. I mean really I would love to hear her scream as I am ripping the flesh from her bones, but, I will save that for another day. But I did realize many things tonight as a took in the warm humid summer air into my lungs, that I have been beating the shit out of myself for about two months, I have drank myself close to death about three times now, I have started to smoke and have been heavily smoking, I have thought of all the bad things that I could do to her, and myself. But hopefully, I do not act on my thoughts of suicide. I have gone over every fuckin little detail to try to find an answer, to try to find a way to fix it, to try to find the things that I did wrong. But I realize that they will never be answered. And knowing that I didn't fuck this up she did. She had something great "me" and she threw it away. They can be answered, by her, but she chooses to run away from reality and accept the truths and lies that she has made. I want to talk about certain things very briefly. Ever since I was caught under the spell of this whore about, about a year ago, she has never told the exact truth. I was warned by my friends and family that something was fishy, but, and I admit at times I was pussy whipped and didn’t want to believe it, because what I had at the time was soo real to me, and something I had yearned for, for a long time, I wanted it to last. So after we got back together this second time, I was a tiny bit smarter, well I wasn’t smart at all for getting back with her a second time, first time wrong, she is the fool, second time wrong, fool is me. Well I started to dig when I got Back with her the second time. I wanted to know about the past, just so in my head it was closed out, because I was getting three truths, one from her, one from her family, and one from her friends, and none of the stories matched up so I didn’t know what to fuckin do. So I dug for answers and I did some investigative work, which to this day was very helpful, but see even then when I saw and heard all of this stuff, I still didn’t except it caused I thought she was “changed” but the things I saw were fuckin ridiculous. God now that I write this entry and I look back on it all, it was a learning experience, and I learned many things from all of this. But just every time I see her, I want her, I want her to feel my pain, all the fuckin pain and agony she has put me through, but I am trying to be the bigger person about it. But I leave you all with this one quote from a senses fail song. It just fits my mode for tonight. And when you read this, scream it at the top of your lungs, you might feel better:

“Can you grant me one last wish, Play russian roulette as we kiss, I'll be your cheap novelty, Blow your brains out on me.” – Senses Fail