What If?

There is something I realized tonight. That I am defiantly destined to be alone. I was moving apartments that is why is has been so long since my last entry. Realized that there is nothing out there for me. I keep trying to be happy, and enjoy the ay and enjoy life, but it just seems that it makes me even madder because I know I am lying to myself. It hurts me to see myself like this. It hurts badly, and I ask myself how did I get like this? But I figure it had all started about three years ago and it has been a slow but steady decline. My boy RC666 is in the field and I will see him Saturday, had to give a shout out to him. I have been having bad thoughts about certain individuals, I shall not reveal their names but they know who they are. What if…? No one can answer, no one can pull me out of this rut but me and I have tried and I will keep trying but I don’t think I will make it out. I keep saying to myself that there is so much more out there, and that I have a chance at this life, but everyday I wake up and what I see it is proving that I am almost a lost cause and I might as well end it now before I get worse. As much as I want to type good things and write about how happy I am it is like comparing apples to oranges. So far the bad times keep out weighing the bad times. I don’t know why, when the good times come it is monumental to me, but I know somewhere inside it is going to go back to the same thing again, the pain and hurt over what? I don’t know. I am trying to figure that one out, which I haven’t pin pointed it yet. I want to be normal, I want to be loved, I wanted to be respected; I want to be wanted by that someone, or by someone, but yet, nothing. Just pushing away and using me for my flaws such as a big heart, and kind manners. Yes I do have these attributes even though it doesn’t seems like it, I do. There will be a couple more entries before I go out to the field. I just been having many dreams lately over me dying and no one there to stop me or caring about me. No one who cares enough to stop me. And I know that women pick up on this bad vibe and don’t want to be around these certain kind of people. I just don’t how to stop it, and I leave you with a quote from Senses Fail:

“Please do this now I beg, Duct tape my arms and legs, Throw me into the sea, Please save me, please save me… Now watch the waves eat me, setting my cold heart free, I'll wash ashore in weeks, you can't save me, can't save me.”- Senses Fail