One Day Closer to Death

I’m baaaaaaaaaaaaaack. I have just got back from hiking in the shenandoah valley. What a trip. I would definitely give up everything to do that for the rest of my life. I have A LOT of time to think about the peon of life that I live. I am glad I went; I got away from all this shit of society. It is a place to relax and become one wit the earth again. It rained everyday I was there, but that is ok, I made it through. I finally got a fresh breath of air, of life, before I go away for July. I am slowly making progress over this break up, it starting to become a distant memory, and I am slowly regaining grips with reality, and my pity of a life. I am happy. The hate is still there, but I am learning to channel it into other places. When I was out last Saturday with my friends I heard another good band. They are going to be at warped tour but not going to be on tour when they come to DC. Underoath is the band; you should go and check them out. Yes, Yes, Yes screamo, my favorite. I am listening to other bands, like poison the well, but I seem to be into these guys right now. Well Tuesday night my bro, my two dogs and I drove to Compton gap and we camped out that night and had a taste of some good herbage. He and I talked for a while and I am glad he came the first night, just someone to chill with and shot the shit. Lets see, some of you had comments about my last entry, I thought it was pretty fuckin funny. My response is, it is all truth and how I feel at this moment in my life. If it offends, or hurts your feelings, fuck off, I don’t give a fuck, that is a thimble head of the pain I feel everyday I wake up. I do look into the mirror each day and ask myself, what is going to keep me alive today, why not take my life so easily and no one will know? But while I was hiking I am the only one to keep me alive. I am going to do what the fuck I want. Fuck everyone who doesn’t want to go a long for the ride. I am have pretty much developed a fuck uped point of view, but I feel happy. And I did realize that there will no one else who will have my heart, ever, ever again. I have made that decision, for everyone in this fucked up and so called society wears masks to hide how they feels about everyone and everything, I have chosen to expose myself true self to everyone, a hateful, dark, suicidal fucked up person. And whatever comes from it comes form it. No one wants such a person. God it feels good to be alive with this hate, and anger, knowing, it is all for a good reason that I will, and mark my words I will pay society back is some way or another. Wow I had three beers and I am tipsy, awesome, I thought I would be angry, just like every other time I have been drunk, I was angry and pissed off about it all, and I would quickly be depressed again, wanting to walk off of a bridge hoping my body would hit some jagged rocks, and I lay there suffer with multiple injuries, as my black blood drains from my body. Lol how sweet, it should be a Valentines Day cards. You make so soo fuckin sick, you stupid fuckin cunt, I want to cut you to pieces and eat your flesh for dinner and fuck you dead body. Beautiful words. LOL. God I love my mind so perfect for only one person, me. I wrote this one thing a while ago, I think this started the madness, but I thought I should share this shit I wrote about three years ago.

Walking down a dark path and getting attacked. The attacker had a knife and plunges the cold steel into your abdomen. You shake at first seeing everything in life pass before your eyes, but then you start to fill with anger and rage and hit him. He falls to the ground and you rip the knife from your bloody stomach. Your veins fill with adrenaline, and you stare at him, thinking about torture. Your start cut each one of his fingers off. As he screams in pain you laugh, enraging you more. After you are done cutting his fingers off, he starts to go into shock, oh the pleasure you get from this. You say to yourself, maybe he needs a little surgery. You cut open abdominal cavity and slice through his diaphragm like a hot knife through butter. You find his heart and rip it closely out of his chest. As it stills beats in your hands you take a bite out of it. It tastes so good and so you eat the rest of it. And when you go to take his liver out, you wake up, turn on the light, run to the mirror and see that there is blood all around your mouth and on your hands. Was it all a dream or are you insane?

Ahh what an entry huh? Well I think I will leave this entry with a quote from on of my favorite bands:

I'll attack someone with a switchblade knife, So that I can see their painI choose to be a serial killer, 'Cause the victims don't get any fame. – Senses Fail

An Outline of a Suicide Note

I write this now, so that when my cold, withered, lifeless body, is laid to rest, this will be read so that ones that know and care can hear my last thoughts. I sit here wondering what life will bring, and so far it has brought nothing but pain. I have been easily mistaken for a while now that there is a purpose for me. I have been lied to by the people that I care about the most. I understood and accepted all of this some time ago. When I was rejected by all of my peers and pushed to the outside of the group some years ago, I tried to make excuses for why it was happening, that I was someone different, that I was someone better, but all this time I have been feeding myself lies. Lies and empty nourishment so that I might have a reason to live on. And now I understand my purpose. To my parents, I am sorry I disappointed you and have become your biggest failure as a son. I tired my hardest, but I just could find what I needed to make it. You mean soo much to me, but I just couldn’t live on know the pain and disappointment I put you through. To my friends, it has been an honor to know you and understand the meaning of life. I hope that in some odd way I might have helped you understand you purpose in life. To the other people that I have met on the way, I am sorry for you to have met me, and I am sorry that I have wasted a precious moment in your life that you could have used better. And to the women that I have loved and that have chosen to hurt me. I thank you for your pity that you felt for me and the time that you gave to me to try to make me “feel” better. But I grant you this one wish, may my unrestless evil soul haunt you for the rest of your lives, and you all die old and worthless widows, knowing that you made a mistake for ever loving me. And when your time is near, you and your families will endure monumental anguish that you have caused me, turning me into a black hearted murderer that I am. And that I leave you now in peace; remember one thing, that we all die alone. And there is nothing in this world that will take away that fear.

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

As the longest sleep approaches

It is nice to see I have a couple of fans out there. As I was driving home tonight from my friends house, sucking on a cancer stick and realizing all the fuck ups in my life. Just think back a couple of years, where I was and what I was doing and how I felt was totally different. I never thought I could have such anger an hate towards someone, towards anyone, but I guess it is part of the process, it has been two months since we broke up and some days I am doing great and I am on top on the world, but more and more lately, I have been sick to my stomach, and I have been pissed off. I mean really I would love to hear her scream as I am ripping the flesh from her bones, but, I will save that for another day. But I did realize many things tonight as a took in the warm humid summer air into my lungs, that I have been beating the shit out of myself for about two months, I have drank myself close to death about three times now, I have started to smoke and have been heavily smoking, I have thought of all the bad things that I could do to her, and myself. But hopefully, I do not act on my thoughts of suicide. I have gone over every fuckin little detail to try to find an answer, to try to find a way to fix it, to try to find the things that I did wrong. But I realize that they will never be answered. And knowing that I didn't fuck this up she did. She had something great "me" and she threw it away. They can be answered, by her, but she chooses to run away from reality and accept the truths and lies that she has made. I want to talk about certain things very briefly. Ever since I was caught under the spell of this whore about, about a year ago, she has never told the exact truth. I was warned by my friends and family that something was fishy, but, and I admit at times I was pussy whipped and didn’t want to believe it, because what I had at the time was soo real to me, and something I had yearned for, for a long time, I wanted it to last. So after we got back together this second time, I was a tiny bit smarter, well I wasn’t smart at all for getting back with her a second time, first time wrong, she is the fool, second time wrong, fool is me. Well I started to dig when I got Back with her the second time. I wanted to know about the past, just so in my head it was closed out, because I was getting three truths, one from her, one from her family, and one from her friends, and none of the stories matched up so I didn’t know what to fuckin do. So I dug for answers and I did some investigative work, which to this day was very helpful, but see even then when I saw and heard all of this stuff, I still didn’t except it caused I thought she was “changed” but the things I saw were fuckin ridiculous. God now that I write this entry and I look back on it all, it was a learning experience, and I learned many things from all of this. But just every time I see her, I want her, I want her to feel my pain, all the fuckin pain and agony she has put me through, but I am trying to be the bigger person about it. But I leave you all with this one quote from a senses fail song. It just fits my mode for tonight. And when you read this, scream it at the top of your lungs, you might feel better:

“Can you grant me one last wish, Play russian roulette as we kiss, I'll be your cheap novelty, Blow your brains out on me.” – Senses Fail

Well, Well, well, where should I start? I am everyone would like to know a little about me. Well I am in the military, U.S Army ($150) and I give a shout out to RC666 for starting up my blogging. Lets see I think the anger started way back in the year 2003. I met a woman, who was beautiful and smart and funny, and that had a great personality or so I thought. We dated for about four months, mind you she was in past relationship that was fucked up. So I knew going into this that it could be a little rough but I felt like I could help her, because I have a big hear and after meeting her, I thought that this was something I was meant to do. So after the four moths of bliss she came to e one day and said that it had to end and her hubby, yes she was married at one time, but divorced. She said it was over between me and her and she was going back to him. LOL, I the murderous thoughts going through my head, anyways, the way that it first ended between them was he hit her. So after all that she wanted to go back to him, and that hurt me because I figured someone who can give you the world, and threat you like a queen, is getting left for a wife beater? Ok, so a week later she came back to me crying saying she was sorry for hurting me and she was going to leave him, well she said she had left him but she was back with him, it was an off and on thing for her. So I beat the shit out of myself for 9 months wondering what the fuck did I do wrong and how I fucked something great up. And one day I get a phone call. It is her and she said in the hospital and she said her piece of shit for a man hit her. So with my big heart that I have after all the pain and agony I went through for 9 months, I should had told her to fuck off, but I didnt, I let back in and I ran to her. After that night, everything that I sweated for 9 months seemed to have disappeared, it seemed like it was all going to work out. Or so I thought. Again everything went well for the first couple of months, we say each other everyday, we talked about the future, we even were planning on moving in by the summer of early fall. But hen the shit hit the fan, we were soo happy together one week, and the next she was acting like a bitch, she would go into other rooms and talk on the phone for a hour or two, she would go out at night and not come home until four a.m without a any phone calls to let me know she was ok. And while all this shit was going on I knew it was all fuckin over, when in a week, one week, everything broke down and she said she couldn't be with me anymore. We were going good for four months, and then with in a week it was all over. Knowing what I put into that relationship, knowing the sacrifices I made for her, it fuckin kills me. And the pain, which will last a life time, but I thought I could never hate her, but the hate has come and wont go away. The suicidal thoughts that have ran through my head, Ha, Ha I laugh, I guess I haven’t brought myself to that bridge yet, but I am working on it. And people say don’t get worked up over nothing she was a bitch and a tramp and I know this, I know she is the filthiest cunt in the world, but I don’t know how to make the pain stop. So this is the start of my blog, I will have good things to say, there are sooo many more feelings that consume my head, but they are all hard to get out on paper.