My Sanity Is Slowly Slipping Away

To respond to my friends message. I understand that I have friends and family, and I love them very much. But I just want this pain and anger to go away. I have been trying to let things go and to move on but I seem to somehow one day get back to square one. And this love and emptiness is different that really I don’t think ANYONE can fill. Honestly, I wish no one knew who I was, that no one cared about me, just because I don’t like placing burden upon other people shoulders. And I am thankful, I truly am that such people care about me, because if I didn’t have such friends and family to support me and for me to support them, I wouldn’t have made it through all of this. I just wish there was someone to understand this pain that I have, I mean I know now it sounds all pitiful, and that is not the message I am trying to get across. I mean honestly, I come home and or sit out and interact in the world and want to break down in tears, wanted that someone to help me, and I know, friends and family is all I need but I do need a companion, and yes get out there and look and that isn’t the problem, it is filling the empty space for one night can not fix it. I think I really need to take a time out in life and somehow figure out who I am. I feel that I have lost the real me through all of this turmoil and all the psychological games that we have played and knowing that, I let it all consume me. I guess maybe that this is my turn around for the good, and I know that girl has been wanted to see a good entry, and peaceful and normal entry for me and I hope that I can do that before I self destruct, I have been lying to myself and I have living in lies for the past six months, telling myself that I will just stuff it down suck it up and move one, which I need to do, but I need to dispose of all of this once and for all and stop whining about it, knowing the more I think and dwell on it, I make it worse and nothing gets resolved. I must stop living this lie I call life. And I wanted to just fuck my ex and while she is reaching her climax I plunge a knife into her abdomin, laugh and walk away. And I leave you with this quote from Underoath:

“ My knuckles have turned to white, There's no turning back tonight, So kiss me one last time.”- Underoath

What If?

There is something I realized tonight. That I am defiantly destined to be alone. I was moving apartments that is why is has been so long since my last entry. Realized that there is nothing out there for me. I keep trying to be happy, and enjoy the ay and enjoy life, but it just seems that it makes me even madder because I know I am lying to myself. It hurts me to see myself like this. It hurts badly, and I ask myself how did I get like this? But I figure it had all started about three years ago and it has been a slow but steady decline. My boy RC666 is in the field and I will see him Saturday, had to give a shout out to him. I have been having bad thoughts about certain individuals, I shall not reveal their names but they know who they are. What if…? No one can answer, no one can pull me out of this rut but me and I have tried and I will keep trying but I don’t think I will make it out. I keep saying to myself that there is so much more out there, and that I have a chance at this life, but everyday I wake up and what I see it is proving that I am almost a lost cause and I might as well end it now before I get worse. As much as I want to type good things and write about how happy I am it is like comparing apples to oranges. So far the bad times keep out weighing the bad times. I don’t know why, when the good times come it is monumental to me, but I know somewhere inside it is going to go back to the same thing again, the pain and hurt over what? I don’t know. I am trying to figure that one out, which I haven’t pin pointed it yet. I want to be normal, I want to be loved, I wanted to be respected; I want to be wanted by that someone, or by someone, but yet, nothing. Just pushing away and using me for my flaws such as a big heart, and kind manners. Yes I do have these attributes even though it doesn’t seems like it, I do. There will be a couple more entries before I go out to the field. I just been having many dreams lately over me dying and no one there to stop me or caring about me. No one who cares enough to stop me. And I know that women pick up on this bad vibe and don’t want to be around these certain kind of people. I just don’t how to stop it, and I leave you with a quote from Senses Fail:

“Please do this now I beg, Duct tape my arms and legs, Throw me into the sea, Please save me, please save me… Now watch the waves eat me, setting my cold heart free, I'll wash ashore in weeks, you can't save me, can't save me.”- Senses Fail