My Love for You

Sunday, July 16, 2006

My Reality

I feel weird, inside and outside. I feel A LOT of distance from my friends, family and loved ones. Some say, you wanted to go to Texas, and I did and I am glad I am here and not in the shitty place USU. Now I have done this long distance thing before, what I mean is being away from friends and family, I was in North Carolina, without a car for two years so I am used to being alone, but this time is different, a lot different. I don’t want to talk to friends or family, I don’t want to talk to them at all, I don’t even pick up the phone when they call. I feel like I am not myself anymore, not in my mind or hands or feet or body, a lot of the times I feel like I am outside of my body watching myself at work or at home. And the depression, HA! That is just there and WILL NOT go away, nothing can bring me out. I just don’t want to see anyone or talk to anyone, yes you make your bed you have to lay in it and I am laying in it. It is just all too comfortable. My dreams have turned into nightmares about me fight someone or something but never winning. Trying to run away but I am not fast enough, dreaming of something and it happens during the day. The demons are at the front door again, I am waiting on the other side ready for guns to blaze, but this time I don’t think I will be able to hold them off for good.

Sunday, July 02, 2006

What Dreams May Come

For the past two weeks I have a reacquiring dream. It starts out to where I am in a dark room and a dead man is sitting across the table from me. He says “There is two ways this is going to turn out.” He starts to draw a picture and the picture turns into reality and I am in a hospital room. Jennifer is sitting there crying into her hands asking me way I did this. I try to talk and I can not. I keep trying but all I can do is cry but it hurts to cry. So I pick up a mirror and I look into it and noticed I am horribly burned. My face is disfigured and I can’t stand to look at myself so I throw the mirror against the wall but the mirror goes through the wall. Jennifer gets up and leaves the room, as she is walking out she say “I can’t take this anymore; I don’t want to deal with your bullshit anymore.” I say “Fuck you, why does it have to be this way?” As I am saying that, the dead man appears and says you brought this upon yourself, your constant denial of yourself and this life caused all of this. I start to scream at the top of my lungs and I come back to the dark room again. The dead man says “Here is the other scenario.” He pulls out another piece of paper and start to draw again, I then become the drawing and I am fighting with this person that has no face, I am in an abandoned house in a brown room where the wallpaper is peeling off of the walls. There are maggots all over the floor and I am getting bit by them. As much as I try and fight back with this faceless person, I cant win, I am overpowered by this being and I realize it is the dead man, he is trying to whisper something and then Jennifer appears, she says “Just listen to him, he is telling you the truth and see you never fuckin listen, listen to anything from me or believe in me.” “I keep trusting you with my heart and soul; you have broken it and hurt me too many times to deal with this anymore.” “I want out of this all of this and now you must pay the price.” She picks me up and with a knife she stabs me in the chest, I can’t yell or scream during this whole time even though I am trying to, I am crying and pleading with her to stop the pain and asking why is she doing this? Then she stabs me a second time in the chest and leaves the knife in. She picks up a sledge hammer says “Good Night.” and smashes me in the head. Then I see myself laying on the floor and Jennifer is talking to me, saying that I needed this, that this was easier then living with me and putting up with my worthlessness. I then come back to the dark room with the dead man and he says, you have to choose one of these scenarios because one way or another, this is how it is going to happen. And then I wake up. Kind of crazy, I don’t really pay attention to it, now this dream has varied in a couple of spots but I won’t go into them because then we open the closet and re-release my demons.

Friday, June 30, 2006

Another electronic death due to Halo 2

Two wireless headsets, four wired headsets and three controllers have been destroyed while I am playing halo 2. This game makes me sooo fuckin mad, yet I keep playing because it is soo much fun to talk trash and beat peoples asses. This next purchase of a headset will be the final headset I EVER buy for halo 2. Because once this one breaks it is all over for voice on the game. GOD DAMN FUCKIN HALO 2 I FUCKIN HATE YOU!!

Sunday, June 18, 2006

6 Months to Go

She is gone, my wife, my best friend, my shrink, my companion, the woman and I love lying next to in bed every night, the woman that I can get into a fight with and be over it in a matter of thirty minutes, the future mother of my children, THE ONE, the woman from the first kiss that I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life with, the woman that puts up with my crap and childish games, the woman that has the most patience in the whole entire world, the woman that I love waking up to in the morning, the woman that I love running my hands through her hair, the woman that I CAN NOT stand to be away from, my wife, Jennifer. As I sit here in tears, thinking about you nonstop, this is fuckin hard, no fuckin joke. I cried on the back from the airport. I was listening to the acoustic version of Call it Karma by Silverstein. I just cried, and I didn’t hold it in like I have done with her before. It just hurt too much, its still hurts, I miss her. I miss her like no other woman I have ever been with; I know for me it has sunk in that she is MY WIFE. That she is the one I will be with for the rest of my life. I am still crying, I came home and hugged Ginger, and layed in bed. Smelling the pillow, smelling the fragrance that she left behind and the air is slowing carrying away that smell. I didn’t think it would be soo hard, I didn’t know I would end up like this today. I don’t know what triggered this but, wow. I just want her to come back to me, for good. I don’t want to do this anymore, I don’t want to be away, and I don’t want to be far apart because “someone” said so. Fuck them. This hurts sooooo much more then any other time, then anything I have ever experienced. I don’t want to function, I want to roll up in bed and wait for her to come back to me, to save me. I just want to hide in the closet in the corner and wait it out. I sit here crying, thinking about all of the good times we had while she was down here, how she made me coffee every morning, how she was soo patient while she injected me with lidocaine and how much of a wuss I was freaking out about a little needle. How she was soo happy when she found the house she loved and she wanted, how many times she said I love you, how many times she kissed me. I miss you Jennifer.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Random thoughts colliding into one big Mush

Well I figure I post something. I just recently got married to a beautiful woman Jennifer. I am sooo fuckin happy that I found somebody. Yes somebody who cares about me puts up with my childish outbursts, someone to hold and to fight for and care for, and grow old with. If you asked me a year and a half ago if I would find someone, I would have told you no and would tell you that I just want to fuckin die. I was close, closer then anyone knows to committing suicide because I couldn’t take anymore pain or put anyone else through the pain. Only one person knows how close I was, her name is Jennifer. My best friend, my companion my souls mate. The woman that has changed me and taught me how to act like a grownup instead of a child. I honestly was some days asking myself, why me? Why did you pick me? Why do you want be? I know I am not damaged goods or broken, I am just stubborn. I used to ask myself this question for the first couple of months with her because I thought it was too good to be true. That I found someone to love fully and completely and to give my heart to them and let them do whatever. I told Jennifer she was one, from the beginning, I also told her that she is the last one, that if this didn’t last or make it that I would be gone from this earth and everyone’s company for good. Not a threat just a decision I made. And now look, we are married and happy as ever. It sucks being alone without your loved one. I now know how most people feel. It sucks and it is a test, a test that proves that I am worthy and that I can keep my dick in my pants. That I DO love her even though there are some people out there that said “It is too soon to get married.” “You two are not ready for this big step.” Well guess what fuck you all. I have proven them wrong yet again. And to the people that have helped m along the way, mike, Chad, Randy, Nancy, Neal. I couldn’t have done it without you guys, telling you my fears and thoughts and you telling me how to fix them. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I guess this means now I can’t get depressed anymore, I can’t think stupid thoughts because I have someone that cares for me and wants me to be there every step of the way. And I cant make childish comments like, you will regret it when I am gone, or I just want to die, because now I am holding someone else’s heart in my hands and I must care for it, like my own. As I sit here listen to silverstein acoustic shedding a tear thinking of my baby so far away, I now why Neal was soo angry and how bad it hurts him. I just sit here in my melancholy state drinking alone with my friend depression and sorrow and wallow in my own pity waiting for my wife to come and take me away from all of this. I love you Jennifer.

Saturday, May 13, 2006

Could this be a comeback?

Well only two people in the whole entire universe want me to write another post. I don’t want to write one, but I will an honest post. Now that I sit here in my apartment, by myself, philosophizing about my life, I wonder. Everyday I interact with a loved one or talk to someone I care, I want to say the phrase: “Just wait until I am dead and then figure it out or……” Sometimes I feel like that is a great response, sometimes I feel like it is too easy. But as I sit here on my balcony, drinking, wanting to smoke a cigarette, to feel alive again, I watch these folks walk to their cars getting ready to go out to the club and I think to myself why? I see them get into their expensive cars and rive away, I realize that their lives along with everyone else in the world, live behind their materialistic bullshit. I also realize that I am nothing more then a mistake. A 23 year mistake. I should have left this big deaf world a long time ago. I think I am going to go to counseling, not to better myself but to save myself from utter destruction, I think I need counseling. I could easily cause myself to have a heart attack over the easiest, pathetic thing. Again, yes I know I shouldn’t be alive. I hate blogging anymore because the things I want to type and say I can’t. I have to hold them in and save them for my little friend in the closet, my only friend here in Texas. Did I mention that I might be going crazy, that I might have a disease of the brain? NOOOOOOO don’t tell Jen, she will get mad and say no it is one of my conspiracy theories, but living alone for sooo long in my psychosis, eventually will have an effect on my brain. This is why I might need counseling. See there I go typing what I really want to type and mark my words; it will get me into trouble. But now I will continue slow decent into psychotic depression and possible suicide, I have been destined to end up here. I am trying not to be dark but at this point, I am not sure where to turn?

Monday, April 03, 2006

The Last Post of a Dying Soul

As Death is at my door, I welcome her with open arms. " Come in my love, I am tired, weak and ready."

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

LOVE

I love you Jennifer. I love you Jennifer. I love you Jennifer. I love you Jennifer.

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