Sad that I have this reflection, I have this realization now when I piss her off. When I push the buttons the wrong way and could possibly lose her. I admit I am quite immature when it comes to marriage. I know nothing; sometimes don’t know what to do. Well ok, I know some things, but this post and read close, this post isn’t to put myself down, it is the actual reality of it all. I pissed her, man o man I fuckin pissed her off. I effected something in her head, changed a thought process, ruined trust, you can’t deny that. I do it, no one else, I did, playing a game, a dangerous game that was fuckin stupid and I apologize. I am sorry Jennifer, it will NEVER happen again, I didn’t mean or though it would effect you this way, this much, I am truly sorry. I don’t think I will be able to say I am sorry this time and fix it, I don’t think I will be able to say I am sorry enough in a life to fix this problem. For the probably, third time in this relationship, I am truly scared, I am scared of losing her. Yes I think this is the closest I think I have come as of yet of losing Jennifer. Yes she says I will never lose her, but really she will only put up with soo much. Shit she doesn’t need my games or me. She doesn’t need it. I expect to get slapped when I arrive on Friday, if I don’t something is wrong, I expect a punch, kick, slap. This isn’t a way to get rid of it, but I know I was wrong and I am sorry. I know this won’t fix it and I will always expect a repercussion. I know, I know you won’t, but I just know how bad I fucked up and nothing to happen to me, well that is worse punishment. Don’t comment on this post, just read, that’s all you need to do. I know something is wrong, she wants to yell but wont. I feel a little distance, but do you expect. I hope and know time will only fix this, I just want to fix it now, I want her to not be mad at me anymore, and I want her to be happy that I will be there in four days. I know she is happy I am coming, but I want her to be like she was last week. I am soo sorry Jennifer, please forgive me baby.

Sitting here in the dark, Whitesnake and Journey playing, listening to my beautiful wife sleep. I should be in bed, yeah I should but I can’t sleep right now. This is the last week in school and then I will be home to get my wife and we can start our life together. I look back on all of the this, the 9 months we have been apart and wow can I tell you all the times I freaked out about nothing or worried myself to the point of nausea about my wife. The times I made it out to seem like she did something wrong when she never made a mistake, it was all me. It was all in my head, it was all made up, a fantasy world that I wanted to live in and believe it all, and it was all true. But is has turned out, time and time again to be false. I can start with saying I am truly sorry it will take me a life time to apologize for my foolishness. I am soo sorry that you have been subjected to this. I apologize for making you feel inferior to me, I am sorry for making you feel like you are always doing something wrong, that every move you make is a wrong one, that what you think is always wrong. I am sorry. I love you Jennifer and I am sorry. I have never been loved like this before. I have never had someone soo infatuated with me. I have never had someone care how my day is going, never had someone cares if I was hurt or not, never had someone wondering what I am thinking, never had someone think I was cute when I was trying to fall asleep drunk and mumble, never had someone laugh at my stupid jokes, never had someone put I love you notes in EVERYTHING they send me, I never had someone put little love notes in my lunches, never had someone leave me love notes around the house when she went to work, never had someone so eager to go hiking with me, never had someone soo beautiful and intelligent want to be with a ugly grumpy person. No matter how shitty my day is or was you are still there to cheer me up to make me feel good, no matter what. I never had someone who felt safe when I am there, never had someone that by me making a fuckin dumbass stupid fuckin comment on some occasions get soo worked up with emotion, never had someone value and respect my opinions especially when I go off on tangents and put up with them, never had someone want to be with me soo much it hurts, never had someone want to watch me sleep because I look cute, never had someone who when I was sick as a dog and burning up take care of me and put up with me acting like a child, never had someone to get mad over the definitions of diastolic and systolic pressure, never had someone trust me soo much, never had someone who actually listened to me when I said “lets wait to have sex” on the first date, never had someone who is sooo patient with my foolishness and my naiveness. Never had someone who on her worst day, still is the most beautiful woman in the whole entire world, never had someone who couldn’t wait to sleep in the same bed as me. Never had someone who couldn’t sleep when I wasn’t there, never had someone who needs me soo much and that I am their one and only. Never had someone that is their weakest and most vulnerable moments of their life would turn to me for help, love and support. This just scratches the surface of what I have realized I have or have experienced with my wife. I have never had someone like this, I now realize what I have and how much I need and will cherish it. I love you Jennifer.