My Reality

I feel weird, inside and outside. I feel A LOT of distance from my friends, family and loved ones. Some say, you wanted to go to Texas, and I did and I am glad I am here and not in the shitty place USU. Now I have done this long distance thing before, what I mean is being away from friends and family, I was in North Carolina, without a car for two years so I am used to being alone, but this time is different, a lot different. I don’t want to talk to friends or family, I don’t want to talk to them at all, I don’t even pick up the phone when they call. I feel like I am not myself anymore, not in my mind or hands or feet or body, a lot of the times I feel like I am outside of my body watching myself at work or at home. And the depression, HA! That is just there and WILL NOT go away, nothing can bring me out. I just don’t want to see anyone or talk to anyone, yes you make your bed you have to lay in it and I am laying in it. It is just all too comfortable. My dreams have turned into nightmares about me fight someone or something but never winning. Trying to run away but I am not fast enough, dreaming of something and it happens during the day. The demons are at the front door again, I am waiting on the other side ready for guns to blaze, but this time I don’t think I will be able to hold them off for good.

What Dreams May Come

For the past two weeks I have a reacquiring dream. It starts out to where I am in a dark room and a dead man is sitting across the table from me. He says “There is two ways this is going to turn out.” He starts to draw a picture and the picture turns into reality and I am in a hospital room. Jennifer is sitting there crying into her hands asking me way I did this. I try to talk and I can not. I keep trying but all I can do is cry but it hurts to cry. So I pick up a mirror and I look into it and noticed I am horribly burned. My face is disfigured and I can’t stand to look at myself so I throw the mirror against the wall but the mirror goes through the wall. Jennifer gets up and leaves the room, as she is walking out she say “I can’t take this anymore; I don’t want to deal with your bullshit anymore.” I say “Fuck you, why does it have to be this way?” As I am saying that, the dead man appears and says you brought this upon yourself, your constant denial of yourself and this life caused all of this. I start to scream at the top of my lungs and I come back to the dark room again. The dead man says “Here is the other scenario.” He pulls out another piece of paper and start to draw again, I then become the drawing and I am fighting with this person that has no face, I am in an abandoned house in a brown room where the wallpaper is peeling off of the walls. There are maggots all over the floor and I am getting bit by them. As much as I try and fight back with this faceless person, I cant win, I am overpowered by this being and I realize it is the dead man, he is trying to whisper something and then Jennifer appears, she says “Just listen to him, he is telling you the truth and see you never fuckin listen, listen to anything from me or believe in me.” “I keep trusting you with my heart and soul; you have broken it and hurt me too many times to deal with this anymore.” “I want out of this all of this and now you must pay the price.” She picks me up and with a knife she stabs me in the chest, I can’t yell or scream during this whole time even though I am trying to, I am crying and pleading with her to stop the pain and asking why is she doing this? Then she stabs me a second time in the chest and leaves the knife in. She picks up a sledge hammer says “Good Night.” and smashes me in the head. Then I see myself laying on the floor and Jennifer is talking to me, saying that I needed this, that this was easier then living with me and putting up with my worthlessness. I then come back to the dark room with the dead man and he says, you have to choose one of these scenarios because one way or another, this is how it is going to happen. And then I wake up. Kind of crazy, I don’t really pay attention to it, now this dream has varied in a couple of spots but I won’t go into them because then we open the closet and re-release my demons.