Could this be a comeback?

Well only two people in the whole entire universe want me to write another post. I don’t want to write one, but I will an honest post. Now that I sit here in my apartment, by myself, philosophizing about my life, I wonder. Everyday I interact with a loved one or talk to someone I care, I want to say the phrase: “Just wait until I am dead and then figure it out or……” Sometimes I feel like that is a great response, sometimes I feel like it is too easy. But as I sit here on my balcony, drinking, wanting to smoke a cigarette, to feel alive again, I watch these folks walk to their cars getting ready to go out to the club and I think to myself why? I see them get into their expensive cars and rive away, I realize that their lives along with everyone else in the world, live behind their materialistic bullshit. I also realize that I am nothing more then a mistake. A 23 year mistake. I should have left this big deaf world a long time ago. I think I am going to go to counseling, not to better myself but to save myself from utter destruction, I think I need counseling. I could easily cause myself to have a heart attack over the easiest, pathetic thing. Again, yes I know I shouldn’t be alive. I hate blogging anymore because the things I want to type and say I can’t. I have to hold them in and save them for my little friend in the closet, my only friend here in Texas. Did I mention that I might be going crazy, that I might have a disease of the brain? NOOOOOOO don’t tell Jen, she will get mad and say no it is one of my conspiracy theories, but living alone for sooo long in my psychosis, eventually will have an effect on my brain. This is why I might need counseling. See there I go typing what I really want to type and mark my words; it will get me into trouble. But now I will continue slow decent into psychotic depression and possible suicide, I have been destined to end up here. I am trying not to be dark but at this point, I am not sure where to turn?